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| Well, it's been a while since i've done some blogging. A lot has happened, lost connection with a great group of friends because of fear or confrontations and what not. I guess i had waited too long to try to talk over things. *sigh*, i've also found it hard to talk to anyone about any problems lately, occasionally i'd talk to sunny, but never too deep and i just need more that just one person to talk to and i need to be able to open up deeper. I use to be able to talk to both groups of girls, but now i've lost one group and the girls of the other group, i don't know, i just feel like i dont wanna talk to them about anything. Guess i've become a it more antisocial, haha seems like the only person i talk to about personal shit is my cat haha, but well here's some other shit;
Problems with the family:
I don't understand how my father can be so patient and understanding of his parents; my paternal grandparents. He's helped them and my uncles and aunt for so long and they still take advantage of him and try to brainwash us kids into thinking that our mother hates them. I wouldn't hate her for doing so. My father's mistakes of his life so far was
1) buying this damned house in vallejo, although it's nice, extremely nice; our lives don't exist here in vallejo, rather across the bridge in richmond. Every damn morning we wake up early to go to school and work paying toll and paying for the gas to go back and forth. it's ridiculous, i miss living back in el sobrante, that place was comfortable and close to our lives.
2)Cosigning the house with my uncle at parkridge even though he could've just helped out with under the table money and now the back has taken the house because my uncle and my grandparents have failed to pay off the mortgage. With that being said, why don't my aunt and my eldest uncle help out? i mean that's his own father but he barely talks to any of the family anymore and super rarely ever helps out with his parents. And there's my aunt and her chinese husband, they leeched off of my parents for about 5 years and never payed anything back and on top of that they don;t help out with the payments, that's fucked up. As a result now my father's credit is bad and all of it could've been avoided had he listened to my mother.
As an overall of such events, now the bank is going after my father and his money. Supposedly since he was the main cosigner the bank is now after him for about $110,000; money that we can't pay and we don;t have. Listening to my parents talk and argue makes me hate my grandparents especially how they try to talk shit about my mother to us. If they loved us why did my ogs have to take advantage of my dad and do that to him, it affects us; their grandchildren too. Now money spending is tight and even when i do get to transfer to a 4 year there would be nothing for me to pay tuition and such, my educational future looks right now like nothing but loans, loans, and loans. Although my ogs have wronged us, i still love them, i just wish there wasnt such a money problem between us. Now everytime i think of college or whenever i go t visit my ogs i feel an uneasiness towards my ogs and i just hate that. I'm not one to have grudges with ppl and just forgive, that's why i just hate this feeling. Too much family bullshit.
As for the loss of friends, i don't know what to do or say. It kinda of started with misunderstood actions and reactions and now the wait to talk it out has been extremely long and i fear it may be too late, but i'll still try, b/c i miss them and i've been friends with at least 2 of them since elementary. *sigh* damn shit, first drama ever in my life with a friend, i just don't know what to do about it or even how to approach it, but i'll try.
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| So being the Activity coordinator for the children's division at the camp was pretty sweet, just disappointed that we didn't get to do all of the games I had planned and there was also a lower turnout on kids than expected, but overall was good. Had enough food for everyone and more haha and so I was just thinking about maybe doing it again next year, but not too sure yet, it was pretty fun, but at the same time pretty stressful. I just kind of wanted a relaxing weekend before the semester had began again. But overall no regrets, pretty sweet that the kids had fun, maybe if i do it again i'll have real prizes for them instead of just a huge bag of candy for each team haha
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| Changing is a hard thing to accomplish. I had recently decided on becoming more of a "jerk" since supposedly being a "nice guy" wasn't getting me anywhere but being passed up and looked over. Yes "jerk"in it caused more attention, but made me feel more of a bad person. I've learned that being yourself is just more comfortable, just don't mind those ridiculous feelings, it all depends on how you feel about you as a person.
As a result to this experiment, I may have become less of a pushover and more confident in myself, although this attempt may have been a failure, being a "jerk" does have some of its perks. Such as people leaving you alone more, people having a more buddy respect towards you, and people noticing you more. But that's just not me. It may be a bit too late to negate some of those attributes, but overall i'm content with the confidence gained, but disturbed by a little change in my character, but I'll just welcome it.
Overall assesment: mediocre contentment
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| Despite an obvious generalization that most women want "jerks" another issue has come to mind, and again i investigated and asked around.
A worst place to be than the "friend zone" for a guy whom likes a woman is the "Brother Zone", that's where the girl starts looking at the guy as more than a friend, but in a more difficult manner for the guy; the "brother zone". This is when the guy becomes so nice and so trusted that the girl not just no longer sees the guy as a potential mate, but she sees him as a relative to her.
He becomes the one that she confides in, asks advice, and just about almost everything else, from problems to secrets, he gets it all. Not only is he the nice guy that likes her and would do anything, but she completely takes him off the list of potential mates. "Oh him? No, he's just like a brother to me, things like that between us will never happen... it's just not possible because i'll never see him that way."
The poor guy is now stuck, liking the girl, but is not only just categorized as a nice friend, but as a relative. It sucks is just what sums it all up to be. He'll never get a chance at her, he had a better chance at her being the nice guy friend than the person whom she considered a brother. The brother title is often seen to guys as the epic failure of trying to get at a girl, not only does he have to stand that she probably would never consider dating him, but also he'd have to go through her discussions about other guys she's met and how they are. Basically you can see the "brother zone" as the level 2 of nice guy friends that are too nice.
He's stuck sitting there watching her flirt or get with another guy and hearing her problems with full detail just stuck and unable to get out. It makes him feel as if he had an obligation to stand all of that while he full well knows that he likes her just because she considers him a brother and he just hasn't had the balls to say no. To become a jerk and just say no, and to develop the courage to just tell her. But in the end, most of the ones that do develop those balls and tell the woman, they just end up being reminded that not only are they in the nice friend zone, but also in the almost impossilbe to get out of zone; the brother zone.
No personal, just observation.
"Jerk It..."
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| It's come to my attention now for a while that women seem to like jerky men, not complete assholes but jerks. I've always wondered about that and discussed with friends. When asked why not the nice guys, their replies are almost the same..."he's too nice" or "i need someone to keep me on my toes" so they want someone that could every now and then treat them like shit i suppose instead of the perfect guy.
This here then falls into the friend zone, when the guy is immediately seen as a really nice guy then the poor bastard could kiss his chance goodbye for he has landed in the friend zone or the too nice zone. This here, the woman would come to these guys for support and comfort whenever their "jerk" apparently is doing the "jerk" thing. And thus the "nice" guy that probably actually likes the woman is just there seeing how the "jerk" has wronged the girl he's been liking or "loved" for a long time. Then she goes on and break up with the "jerk" or leaves him, usually blinded that the guy right next to her can do her right and such.
I personally can admit and say i'm one of those "nice" guys. The guy that everyone asks a favor of and he seems to do it. The guy that sometimes people take advantage of and take for granted. The guy that you'd probably call late at night to come get you if you're too drunk at a party, the one who you might count on for an emergency or such. And the guy who would like a girl but she'd never see him that way because he's too "nice" or she sees him as a brother type of person.
I've seen and taken notice to this and i'd like to change for once, to be the guy that the girl likes, to be the one that everyone is excited to see, to i guess be the "cool" guy because he's not such a pushover. I've tried changing this forcefully, but it just doesn't happen i naturally am a pushover, stepped on all over by everyone and the one that people tend to look over or look past. Tired of this, i actually have prayed to be different. I want to be a jerk, to be noticed, to be noncategorized, to be a candidate in the world of competition for mates, work, and in life.
Fuck being a nice guy, they all really do finish last. When I finally get out of this place i'd like to go somewhere far and cut off and comeback and be a whole new me. No more of that shit, but this is only talk, I need to become different like the guy in yes man and just say no every now and then. Tired of this feeling of being used, unnoticed, and unrespected.
Jerk it...
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